When you’re fighting with your partner…
When you’re fighting with your partner – you probably feel alone, as the person you usually turn to for love and understanding now seems to be on the other side. As you’re reeling with the experience of feeling attacked or abandoned, you may fantasise about other partners who would make you happy. You may think you’re not right for each other after all.
It can feel like you (two) are the only ones in a world full of happy instagram couples and romantic comedy endings. You’re not sure if you can handle this new side of your partner that’s come out, one that didn’t seem to be there before. In your mind, you probably use a number of words to describe your partner’s behaviour; “difficult / moody / childish / irresponsible / uptight / petty / selfish / weak / domineering…”. As the two of you fight – and calm down – and fight again, you find yourself wondering what happened between the two of you. Did you make a wrong choice? Where did things go wrong? Why does everyone else seem to be happy? Why is my partner so difficult?
When you’re fighting with your partner… you’re trying to communicate your hurts & needs.
Now I’m not talking about violence of any kind here – physical, sexual or emotional (bullying, belittling, accusing)! These are signs of deeper hurt within a person that leave little room for safe love to be cultivated. What I am talking about are power struggles, blaming, shouting matches or the “freezing your partner out” moments. Contrary to what Hollywood movies have taught us, these are experiences most of us in a long-term relationship will probably recognise. The bad news is that it sucks and hurts. But the good news? Is that it’s human – and an opportunity to slow down & create safety rather than react, to reconcile rather than need to be correct.
Love is a powerful force that, in relationships, is bound to trigger us. When we know this, we can look at conflicts as opportunities to become more compassionate towards our partner’s hurts and needs – and conscious of our own defences and stress-based responses (mine is to become super logical and a bit pushy!). Usually, the ‘difficult behaviour’ we struggle with in our partner isn’t there for the judgemental reasons we tell ourselves… A partner who ‘turns cold’ and freezes us out for a while may seem heartless, but may really be feeling very hurt and scared to open up to you, the person they feel most vulnerable around. There’s always more to it than the stories in our head.
(Long-term) love isn’t a static state of bliss to be found with (only) the right person. It’s a dance you engage in, one where you get hurt when your partner accidentally steps on your toe and you lash out in pain at the person closest by, one where you imagine the person you’re dancing with is a prince or princess who’s come to sweep you off your feet (but who’s actually another person trying to do the best they can and to keep it together as you accidentally step on their foot). And just like dance, love (in a relationship) is a skill that can be practiced. And when you and your partner are experiencing tension or upset – practicing these loving skills will make it easier to reconnect at a time when the romantic fantasy seems far out of sight.
How to practice loving skills… when you’re fighting.
Let the loving skills below guide you in reconnecting with them in the midst (or shortly after) an argument…(and no blame from my side if it doesn’t work at first – or you snap nonetheless. Just see it as an opportunity to try again next time..)
First of all, remember that this is a person you chose to be with out of all the other people in the world. When you’re triggered, or they’re upset – remember that they mean a lot to you and you care about their wellbeing. How would you treat a dear friend in the midst of a sensitive discussion? How would you treat someone you care about who’s upset and hurt?
When triggered, take a breath… and start your sentences with “I feel…” rather than “You are”. This makes it easier for your partner to listen and not instinctively feel the need to defend themselves. On the other hand, if your partner is angry and using “You are…”, don’t fall for the blame statement, but translate in your mind what they’re feeling and needing. i.e. “You are selfish”, becomes something like “I feel you don’t care about me.” Try to ‘visit their world’ and see how the hurtful situation may make them feel.
Try to listen and be with, rather than defend and judge. You might say: “You’re angry. What’s making you angry?” Or use questions like: “How do you feel? What’s upsetting you right now?”.
When you notice either of you getting too angry or overwhelmed – take a time-out. Fighting when emotions get too intense will make it harder to prevent either of you from saying hurtful things. Tell you partner you need a minute, and that you want to resolve this in an hour/tomorrow/this weekend when you both feel calmer. Go for a walk or to a different room. Take however long you need to calm down. Do whatever you need to soothe yourself: watch a show, write in a journal, message a non-judgemental friend, bake some cookies.
When you’ve both calmed down, touch or hold your partner, however briefly, apologise for whatever you did in the heat of the moment that might have hurt them and let them know you care. Physical touch helps soothe both your nervous systems. Loving words and apologies help you both feel love(d) again.
Don’t see this rupture as a mark that you’ve failed as a couple… but an opportunity to become more resilient in your relationship. See it as a way to become more informed about your partner’s needs, as well as how some things you do (without intending to!) may hurt them.
